So, I have decided to blog whenever I feel like I am a complete loser in the adult world because at least I am doing something. There is something satisfying about the tangibility of words when the rest of your life seems to be out of grasp.
Can’t seem to get the hours I need at work that fit my availability, even though I am a competent health care professional of 5+ years? Blog about it. My countless resumes dropped into countless inboxes for countless companies that might as well have “dead on arrival” for the subject line? Blog it out. Still can’t figure out how my 8+ years as an exotic dancer can serve as relevant work experience in highlighting my negotiation & manipulation and people skills without being stigmatized as a #$%^ or leaving a gap in my job history? Blog. Blog. Blog.
Maybe then, someone will see that I am not ok or ready to accept this lowly status in life, that I am not really a loser because at least I can still trick you with my words into believing I am this misunderstood genius, winning, top notch bitch that any company should be honored to have and shower me in the safety of their salary, benefits and bonuses (Isn’t that what everyone else does anyway?). Maybe my written words were my first love and my last chance at this point in the game to do something with and rake in the glory that “salary, benefits and bonuses” do not bring. Maybe I should stop trying to fit into this cookie cutter corporate realm with it’s passive aggressive dress code and wear what I have always looked good in which is: Shocking, Charming and Telling. At least I always have a matching lipstick to accessorize and no need for extra foundation to conceal a brown nose.
Two things that I do have to offer the world: Honesty & Experience. Yet I filter myself to appear more malleable and curt and user friendly to those who intend to laugh in my face and pass me up for the next model who can bend over backwards a little further than me. I am done bending.
Truth is, I actually have been blessed with a decent life, wonderful man at my side who supports me in all my crazy schemes (and not always reliable income) and two beautiful children who make me question if there is a God, because only a divine creator could craft such gorgeous creatures that allow me to feel such a pure love. Yet, still I am depressed at times. A dear friend of mine once told me that depression comes when you stray from your true nature. That has been stuck in my head this past week as I continue to do the same things but expecting different results, as “the definition of insanity” tells us.
It is time to reclaim myself and live my nature and accept that I was never successful doing things that require me to follow the same rules as everyone else.
Hi, my name is Cassidy. Time to craft a sword from my words and clear a path for myself and my family in this world on MY terms.